This is the #SLAA Online Group website.
This is not the official SLAA website.
Welcome to the
#SLAA Online Group
of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
on StarLink-IRC.Org IRC
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous neither endorses nor recommends
other organizations; their references are only to provide individuals
with the opportunity to learn about other Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition
recovery groups dealing with addiction to sex, love and relationships.
The Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions are reprinted and adapted
with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services. Inc. Permission
to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that AA is affiliated
with this program.
Non-Conference Approved Literature Statement
The Conference understands that some patterns of our addiction have a
lack of experience reflected within our literature. In an effort
to fill this gap, we encourage members to submit their personal experience
to the Journal and the [Conference Literature Committee] CLC for sharing
with the entire Fellowship. While each group is autonomous, the
Conference does not encourage the use of non-Conference-Approved literature
(outside literature does not include S.L.A.A. literature in draft form).
If any group chooses to use non-Conference-Approved literature, it ought
to be clearly defined as such. We do encourage the practice of our
12 Steps and 12 Traditions for all members and groups in recovery from
our addiction. Vehicles for distribution will include the bulk mailing,
F.W.S. Newsletter, the Journal, etc.
The excerpts from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous
are reprinted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. (AAWS).
Permission to reprint these excerpts does not mean that A.A.W.S. has reviewed
or approved the contents of this website, or that A.A.W.S. necessarily agrees
with the views expressed herein. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only — use of these excerpts in connection with programs
and activities which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems,
or in any other non-A.A.-context, does not imply otherwise.
SLAA Fellowship Wide Services distributes the book Sex and Love
Addicts Anonymous (our “Basic Text”) and numerous
pamphlets which are the only S.L.A.A. Conference approved literature at
this time. They also distribute a Pocket Tool Kit,
a bi-monthly Journal which is a “meeting in print,”
“The First Ten Years of the Journal”(in three
volumes – only Volume Two and Three are still available), a quarterly newsletter, an annual World
Directory of meetings, and a Conference Service Manual.
All of these items may be purchased directly from S.L.A.A.
Fellowship Wide Services.
In addition to the following short
readings, please check out the “Recovery Books” link to the left,
as well as the other links on this site.
The following questions are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is. We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.
Yes [ ] No [ ] 1.) Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 2.) Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 3.) Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities? Do you feel you need to hide these activities from others – friends, family, co-workers, counselors, etc.?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 4.) Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance? Do you crash?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 5.) Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 6.) Do you make promises to yourself or rules for yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 7.) Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 8.) Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 9.) Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 10.) Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 11.) Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 12.) Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover orsexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 13.) Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 14.) Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 15.) Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g. the threat ofbeing caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 16.) Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 17.) Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 18.) Do you feel like a lifeless puppet unless there is someone around with whom you can flirt? Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 19.) Do you feel entitled to sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 20.) Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 21.) Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 22.) Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from not having enough of, or the right kind of sex? Or from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 23.) Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 24.) Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex? Do you feel that you would have no identity if you were not someone’s lover?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 25.) Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not meanto?Yes [ ] No [ ] 26.) Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 27.) Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?Yes [ ] No [ ] 28.) Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 29.) Do you engage in the practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc., in ways that bring discomfort and pain?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 30.) Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 31.) Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 32.) Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door? Are you jaded?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 33.) Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts orfeelings you are having about another person or about sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 34.) Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 35.) Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time? Have you ever wished you could be less emotionally dependent?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 36.) Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do? Are you afraid that deep down you are unacceptable?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 37.) Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 38.) Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 39.) Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your sexual and/or romantic behavior or your excessive dependency needs?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 40.) Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?
Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery
depends upon S.L.A.A. unity.
For our group purpose there is but one ultimate
authority — a loving God as this Power may be expressed through our group
conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
only requirement for S.L.A.A. membership is the desire to stop living out a pattern
of sex and love addiction. Any two or more persons gathered together for
mutual aid in recovering from sex and love addiction may call themselves an S.L.A.A.
group, provided that as a group they have no other affiliation.
should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or S.L.A.A. as a
Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message
to the sex and love addict who still suffers.
An S.L.A.A. group or S.L.A.A.
as a whole ought never to endorse, finance, or lend the S.L.A.A. name to any related
facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige
divert us from our primary purpose.
Every S.L.A.A. group ought to be fully
self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
S.L.A.A. should remain
forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
as such ought never to be organized, but we may create service boards or committees
directly responsible to those they serve.
S.L.A.A. has no opinion on outside
issues, hence the S.L.A.A. name ought never to be drawn into public controversy.
public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need
always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, film, and
other public media. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all
fellow S.L.A.A. members.
Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all
our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
FOR ADAPTATION BY PERMISSION OF A.A. WORLD SERVICES, INC.
Ultimate responsibility and authority for S.L.A.A. world services always reside in the collective conscience of our whole Fellowship.
The Annual Business Conference, by delegation, is the voice and conscience for our world services and of S.L.A.A. as a whole.
To insure effective leadership, each element of S.L.A.A. - the Conference, the Board of Trustees, staff, and committees - all possess the “Right of Decision.”
The “Right of Participation” is maintained by allowing members the opportunity to cast one vote up to the level at which they are trusted servants.
The “Right of Appeal” prevails so that minority opinion is heard and personal grievances receive careful consideration.
The Conference recognizes that the chief initiative and active responsibility in most world service matters should be exercised by the trustee members of the Conference acting as the Board of Trustees.
The Articles of Incorporation and the By-Laws of the Fellowship are legal instruments, empowering the trustees to manage and conduct world service affairs. Although the Conference Charter is a legal document; it also relies on tradition and the power of the S.L.A.A. purse for final effectiveness.
The trustees are the principal planners and administrators of overall policy and finance. They have custodial oversight of the separately incorporated and constantly active services, including their ability to hire staff.
Good service leaders, together with sound and appropriate methods of choosing them, are at all levels indispensable for our future functioning and safety. The primary world service leadership must be assumed by the Board of Trustees.
Every service responsibility is matched by equal service authority – the scope of this authority is always well defined whether by tradition, by resolution, by specific job description or by appropriate charters and by-laws.
The trustees need the best possible committees, staff, and consultants. Composition, qualifications, induction procedures, systems of rotation, and rights and duties are always matters of serious concern.
The Conference observes the spirit of S.L.A.A. Tradition,
a. taking care that it never becomes the seat of perilous wealth or power;
b. that sufficient operating funds and reserve be its prudent financial principle;
c. that it place none of its members in a position of unqualified authority over others;
d. that it reach all important decisions by discussion, vote, and, whenever possible, by substantial unanimity;
e. that its actions never be personally punitive nor an incitement to public controversy;
f. that it never perform acts of government, and that, like the Fellowship it serves, it will always remain democratic in thought and action.
FOR ADAPTATION BY PERMISSION OF A.A. WORLD SERVICES, INC.
Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved
with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships,
concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated
and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God.
emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves
in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional
liaison at a time.
We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual
attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or being rescued.
We feel empty
and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment,
we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional
dependence as substitutes for nurturing, care, and support.
We use sex
and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally
We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue,
or compulsive sexual activities.
To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat
from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.
assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them
for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.
In maintaining my sobriety, I find it more
useful to keep in mind what I call my top line rather than my bottom line. My
top line is what I do want for myself, my program goals.
I want to integrate
myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; to relate to others
from a state of wholeness; to live making decisions from a place of freedom and
clarity rather than compulsion and confusion; to feel sufficiently safe to stay
open enough to find the little realities of life moving, rather than needing to
get dropped off a cliff to get a thrill. I want to be present, see things the
way they are, and be glad to be alive. These things are beginning to happen for
If we are painstaking about this phase of our
development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going
to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor
wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will
know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how
our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity
will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest
in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook
upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave
us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle
us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do
for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They
are being fulfilled among us — Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize If we work for them.
Now we were truly feeling some sense
of deep release from the past! We were free of much guilt for our misdeeds,
from the shame of having fallen short of our inner values. In many instances,
the values we had thought were ours had turned out to be someone else’s.
We had shed or changed these to allow the seeds of our own personal wholeness
to take root and grow.
We were indeed living new, positive, unfolding lives.
Whether in partnership with others or in solitude, we had truly been granted a
spiritual release from our sex and love addiction. While vigilance was still
important, the choices we had to make now seemed easier. We felt increasing
confidence in our developing partnership with God, and were full participants
in the fellowship of S.L.A.A. We enjoyed solitude and were unafraid of honesty
and openness with others. We could comprehend what it means to have dignity
The Promises (drafted by the Daytona, Florida, SLAA
If you have decided to follow the suggestions in this program,
a new life will begin to unfold within you. Along with this new life are
promises that will guide and sustain you. They are manifested among us in
sobriety, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. These are the promises we
in SLAA have found:
We will regain control of our lives.
will begin to feel dignity and respect for ourselves.
The loneliness will
subside and we will begin to enjoy being alone.
We will no longer be plagued
by an unceasing sense of longing.
In the company of family and friends,
we will be with them in body and mind.
We will pursue interests and activities
that we desire for ourselves.
Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision
rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.
We will love and accept
We will relate to others from a state of wholeness.
will extend ourselves for the purpose of nurturing our own or another's spiritual
We will make peace with our past and make amends to those we have
We will be thankful for what has been given us, what has been taken
away, and what has been left behind.
Adapted and approved for SLAA Online by Group Conscience December 2, 2014.
Originally by Ann C. (sober April 1, 1948) of Niles, Ohio and presented in the Old-Timers Workshop at the 1985 International AA Convention in Montreal, Canada
Hope instead of desperation.
instead of despair.
Courage instead of fear.
Peace of mind instead
Self respect instead of self contempt.
instead of helplessness.
The respect of others instead of pity and contempt.
clean conscience instead of a sense of guilt.
Real friendship instead
A clean pattern of life instead of a purposeless existence.
love and understanding of our families instead of their doubts and fears.
Freedom of a happy life instead of the bondage of sex and love addiction or anorexia.
God, grant me
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change
the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day
at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as a pathway
taking, as God did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
happy with You
forever in the next.
At Step Three, many of
us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: God, I offer myself to
Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage
of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory
over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy
Way of life. May I do Thy will always! We thought well before
taking this Step, making sure we were ready. Then we could commence to abandon
ourselves utterly to Him.
This passage immediately
follows after the steps 1 through 5 have been explained
the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building
an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far?
Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation?
Have we tried to make mortar without sand? If we can answer to our satisfaction,
we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable.
Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted
are objectionable? Can He now take them all - every one? If we still cling to
something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing. When ready,
we say something like this: My Creator, I am willing that You
should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every
single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and
my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding.
We have then completed Step Seven.
Lord, make me a channel
of Thy peace — that where there is hatred, I may bring love —
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness — that
where there is discord, I may bring harmony — that where there is error,
I may bring truth — that where there is doubt, I may bring faith —
that where there is despair, I may bring hope — that where there are
shadows, I may bring light — that where there is sadness, I may bring
joy. God, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted —
to understand, than to be understood — to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is
forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen
of St. Francis (another version)
(this version not conference approved)
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant
that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console.
To be understood
as to understand.
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
It is in dying that
we are born to eternal life.
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of
action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol
is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily
reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is
a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.
“How can I best serve Thee — Thy will (not mine) be done.”
These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will
power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we
know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.
Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is
still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order.
But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it
that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for
you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your
fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what
you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit,
and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
And acceptance is the
answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find
some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable
to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or
situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept
my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's
terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs
to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.